Tag Archives: help for sex addicts

Dear John: An open letter to Brisbane Sex ‘Punters’

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It’s been some time since I researched the massage forums. You see, it’s not something I get great pleasure from. Reading your discussions about jizzing on Asian massage workers and your jokes about the next bloke copping a taste, isn’t something I particularly enjoy.

However, a few days ago I decided to have a look through the forum, and was surprised to find, that after 18 months, one of you had finally come across my blog.

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I found your discussion about me and my blog fascinating, to say the least. For a start, you were a lot less aggressive and derogatory than I expected. In fact, some of you even applauded my interests in anti-human trafficking, and concerns about women being forced or coerced against their will.

Of course, there were also the typical misogynist rantings about all feminists being angry and ugly. Because, of course! A woman MUST be ugly if she has something to say about society? Yawn.

“Question: Why is every single angry feminist, ugly? Sexual frustration and jealousy of younger better looking women masked as intellectualism.”

Overall,  many of you appear to be ‘normal’ guys. You find child abuse deplorable. You refer to those who push for extras and then don’t tip as ‘the scum of the earth.’ You criticise and talk about the horrible working conditions for many of these girls, who at times get fined by their mamasans for being late, calling in sick, or trying to leave. When a young massage worker is raped, you express anger.

But the main thing I’ve noticed about many of you, is the overwhelming hypocrisy and entitlement.

Dear Punters, no matter whether you treat these girls with abuse, or what you think is respect, you are being cowards. You are trying to offset your involvement onto others: the mamasans, the ‘dirty’ girls who really like it, the money hungry ‘whores’ who look at you like an ATM.

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Yet by your own admission, many of you are married, in relationships, and with kids. You talk about having a second phone (a ‘boner’ phone), about almost getting caught by your wife, and you gloat with your internet buddies about the random women you’ve punted, storing the names of your sexual conquests away in your mind like collectible cards.

Dear ‘Punters’ / Johns. Here is the reality.

Reality 1: You are lying to yourselves if you think you are innocent in this. You are the key for their supply. These women, and their Mamasans (no matter how cruel) would not be operating these shops if not for you. I’ve met some of the women who own these shops, and yes, I can certainly say they are not innocent. But I can also imagine that after going through this industry themselves, they probably welcome a chance not to have to put out for you men all the time. And if you find them so exploitive, why are you paying THEM money? Everytime you go there, you are putting more money in their pockets. But you don’t really care do you…

Reality 2: You don’t deserve paid sex/blowjobs/sex acts just because your wife ‘isn’t up for it’ as much as you are/you don’t have a connection anymore/blah blah blah. In fact, even if your wife is a total bitch, controlling and abusive, you do not get a free pass to cheat. You do not have a right to purchase someone to make you feel good. Get honest with yourself, stop being a coward, and leave your wife. Don’t want to be married? Then get a divorce. Want to be in an open relationship? Choose someone who is open to that. I would say the same to a woman.

Reality 3: You are not ‘helping’ these girls. You might think that you are a hero and that they are the ones using you (and most certainly, some will, because what other job options are screaming out for their poor English and low skill set?), but as I’ve said in other blogs, if you really cared about those less fortunate you would connect them with networks, people and organisations that could help them get ahead and truly experience Australia for all that it is. You are not helping them, you are helping yourself and using your position in society to justify it.

Imagine yourself living in another country, hardly able to speak the language of those around you, with little money or opportunity…now imagine that someone tells you about a way you can make money, with no experience necessary. You might have to masturbate some men or do other things, but hey, it’s better than having to have sex with them right? You’d probably be repulsed. But if that’s your only option, then you make the most of it.

Although, I’d hardly call that ‘choice’. 

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At the end of the day, whether a girl truly enjoys what she is doing to you or not, you have noone to blame for you being there other than you. You don’t really care about the wellbeing of these women, just as you don’t care about your partners, wives or children.

We all have our flaws, our addictions, our temptations. But we all have the power to overcome them. Until you/we stop shifting the blame and take responsibility you will never be free of addiction. You don’t have to keep living this way, wasting money and cheating yourself of true intimacy and financial security  because of an addiction.

If you want to get help, the first step is to tell someone you can trust and find an accountability partner. The next step is to seek treatment and get rid of the things that exacerbate your temptation – that means getting rid of your second phone, installing anti porn blockers on your phone and computer, and deleting your forum accounts.

Yes, it will be hard. But it’s not impossible. Many men have done it before you, and many more will. And I say this wholeheartedly: Please get yourself help.

Need help with your relationship or addictions?

Mensline – 1300 78 99 78   http://www.mensline.org.au/

Feed The Right Wolf A site with lots of resources for those suffering sex addiction; including recovery coaching, a free 30 day trial of ”Covenant Eyes” (filtering software), and allows you to take sex addiction self-analysis tests. It also includes a forum where you can discuss your struggles or victories. There’s some really encouraging stories on there from men who have recovered (and young teenagers).

Sex Addiction Australia “A Sydney and Internet based national service and a professional sex therapist and specialist sex addiction therapy private practise. We provide confidential clinical sex addiction counselling and sex therapy for sexual addictions and sexual compulsive behaviours, for sexual dysfunctions, sexual health and safer sex, and we update you with sex addiction research & information.”

SA Aus also provides support to partners of men/women suffering from sex addiction. E: info@sexaddictionaustralia.com.au or call 02 9380 4486

Sex Addicts Anonymous includes information on meetings you can attend in various countries – including Australia (VIC/NSW/QLD)

Sexual Control Helping individuals with sex addictions since 1983, this site also allows you to download the book ”The most personal addiction” for free.

Fight The New Drug – Simple & clear information on how porn affects the brain, damages relationships, and how you can break free of addiction.

For interesting reading about the effects of Porn on your brain and whether it’s having a negative impact on your life/relationship, see this recent post from Triple J Hack.